Sunday, June 24, 2007

Mrs. Pac-Man and the Male Libido (excerpt from a short story)

Bella and myself make our way to the Mrs. Pac-Man/Galaga machine. After asking a hipster cliché to move, we realize the game costs a buck to play. Mrs. Pac-man would be rolling in her grave if she knew this establishment was charging a dollar to play her namesake game.

We agree that we’ll play lives and levels, just like I used to do with my brother on our SNES. I am excited for Mrs. Pac-Man. I had just found a website that I could play Mrs. Pac-Man on for free. I set a couple personal records and vowed I’d never follow Paul’s footsteps of playing Mrs. Pac-Man for eight hours in one day. But this would be my first arcade experience with the lovely lady Pac.

Since it was Bella’s dollar I allow her to go first, which I realize was a mistake when I see how fast this Mrs. Pac-Man moves and watch her get eaten by a ghost after three dots. I take over hoping the beers will make me extremely confident mode and not effect my hand-eye coordination. I take the stick and begin guiding the yellow pie chart with a pink ribbon around the screen.


I take a sense of pride getting to the next level, I hope girls find that an attractive quality. I hand the joystick back to her, I remember reading somewhere that girls that play video games get laid more than girls that don’t. After reading that I thought of course, because girls that like video games only like video games because their boyfriends like video games. And sleeping with a gamer is about as challenging as level one of Tetris. Anyone can do it. These guys are sexually stimulated and socially crippled. If the game isn’t sold on sex and violence it had better be a pretty fun game. The video game industry is built on providing extreme and unobtainable sexual conquests only a button away from the guy who still receives fashion advice from his mother.

Even Mrs. Pac-Man feeds the male fantasies. Pac-Man find the perfect mate, some one just like himself only sexy and a little bit smaller. That is a gamers dream, those selfish fucks only thinking about themselves, the girls have to be the most selfless people to sleep with them, that or they are just as selfish and are using sex to keep the guys around. Which doesn’t sound like a bad deal, I might sign up for a girl like that.

Bella’s second turn was a lot better than her first, but I was still needed to get us to the next level. I decide that it might be a nice thing on my part to let her finish the level. We have one life left. I eat all but three dots before I let Blinky eat me. She steps up to the plate, but strikes out before the three dots can be eaten. I check my pockets as “Game Over” flashes on the screen. Bella hands me a dollar and tells me to get change. I rush to the bar hoping that I the count down won’t expire before I can feed the machine four more quarters.

The bar was still busy, but the bartenders weren’t and I was able to get change in a flash. I raced back to the machine and entered enough coins to go another round. I let Bella take the first turn, and she is a quick learner and nearly completes the level on her first try, but by this time we are both a little bored with the a game that already cost as much as a quarter of a pitcher and are intimidated by the seven digit high score that stairs at us from the upper corner of the screen. She was looking away when the final Mrs. Pac-man came and went.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

There is no bigger pube magnet than Jell-O

This morning I was eating my breakfast, a pre-made cup of Strawberry Jell-O and a cup of coffee, and as I dug into the Jell-O cup the buoyant solid fell off the spoon, bounced off my lower thigh over the arm of the dinning table chair and landed on the generic beige carpet.

Jell-O cups are usually only good for about 4-5 actual bits of Jell-o, so I thought that I should pick it up and put it back in my mouth. I picked up the red chunk of gelatin and gave it a quick look over. And thank gawd I did. There were three pubes on my bit of Jell-o. I have no idea how the pubes could have come to rest underneath my kitchen table. If I were eating my breakfast while taking a shit I would understand the appearance of truant pubic hairs on the food. But the kitchen?

I take pride in knowing that my apartment isn’t home to orgy after orgy. One of the main reasons I don’t subscribe to the orgy style of life is because I don’t want to have pubic hair floating around everywhere. Have you ever thought about why shag carpet was popular in the seventies? It was because during all the orgies the pubes would be engulfed by the long threads and never seen again. Yet, here in 2007, I sat with a piece of furry Jell-o in my hand.

There are only a few explanations on how the pubes got on to my breakfast gelatin via the carpet under the kitchen table. 1) There could have been a moment in my life when I subconsciously felt it necessary to sleep walk around my apartment completely nude, and while in this nude-wakeless state I could have decided to start dancing in the kitchen, and that must have jostled a few pubic hairs loose.

The second explanation is that the creators of Jell-O were originally trying to design a product that would attract women to them. While there calculations were off, they accidentally created a product that attracted loose pubic hair, which happened to also be a delightful snack. With the original roots of Jell-O established the chunk of food that fell to the floor attracted all of the loose pubes in the entire apartment complex to it.

The third reason could just be that I haven’t vacuumed more than twice the entire two years I’ve been living in this apartment.

I personally think that is was the second of the three explanations thus proving that it wasn’t that my apartment was dirty, but rather it was the extraordinary origins of Jell-O that resulted in my loss of my third bite of Strawberry Jell-O. I will be forwarding this blog to Kraft Foods, Bill Cosby, and the Gelatin Manufactures of America, I hopes that they will remedy the problem and offer me sufficient compensation for my troubles with their product.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

The Essential Guide for Dealing with Bears

The summer is upon us, and for some that means constantly having to find things to fill your empty hours of the day. For others, the questions of how focus on work and responsibility when all they really wish to do is sleep in, go swimming and dread having to go into the fifth grade. Whatever camp you fall into camping can be a great activity. But before you pack up you generators, fire wood, and marshmallows, you’ll need to know a few safety precautions for dealing with nature’s inter-species bully: the bear.

Rule #1 – If you are cooking or preparing food in clothes, before you go to sleep you need to wash your cloths, with detergent. Bears love the smell of prepared food, even salads, so if you don’t wash your cloths you could run the risk of having a bear maul your tent to chew on the flannel shirt with the hotdog smell on it, and don’t count on the animal’s courtesy to remove it from your body first.

Rule #2 – When you are shopping for a tent, make sure that the store you buy it from is not a mega-store (i.e. Super-K-Mart, Super-Wal*Mart, or Super-King Soopers) or a store that has any sort of food in the perimeter. The scent of the food can get into the fabric of the tent and when it is exposed to the odor for the extended shelf time, not even detergent will remove the smell. Warning: even pre-packaged energy bars can emit odors, so ask the store manager if there is any type of food on the premise before buying a tent.

Rule #3 – Some people may suggest that you place your food in a tree before you go to sleep, but the thing that those people forget is that 1) bears can climb trees and 2) sometimes bears can be so big that when they stand on their hind legs they will stand over forty-feet in the air. The better suggestion is to put the food in the car before turning in for the night. However, locking the car door won’t be enough considering that bear’s teeth are made out of the same material that is used on the blast panels of every major space vehicle since Apollo 8. After placing the food in the car it is necessary to tape all the doors and windows shut with at least two strips of duct tape.

Rule #4 – When choosing which sleeping bag to bring camping, always examine if the sleeping bag is a down sleeping bag or not. If you choose to bring a down sleeping bag, consider dipping the entire bag in wax so that the smell from the down feathers won’t arouse the bear. Simple fact; bears love to eat geese.

Rule #5 – A popular cartoon spokes animal suggests that putting our camp fires before going to sleep can reduce the chances of forest fires. This may be true, but putting out your fire before you go to sleep will only increases the chances of a bear attack. Weigh your options before pouring water on the fire; would your rather be mauled to death in your sleep or would your rather wake-up, alive, to a roaring fire?

These are just some of the tips that I can suggest to make your camping trip a safe and bear free trip. If you do encounter a bear on your trip, just remember to repent your sins and think about your funeral with a closed casket, because nobody has survived a face-to-face encounter with a bear. Please enjoy camping this summer.