The Essential Guide for Dealing with Bears

The summer is upon us, and for some that means constantly having to find things to fill your empty hours of the day. For others, the questions of how focus on work and responsibility when all they really wish to do is sleep in, go swimming and dread having to go into the fifth grade. Whatever camp you fall into camping can be a great activity. But before you pack up you generators, fire wood, and marshmallows, you’ll need to know a few safety precautions for dealing with nature’s inter-species bully: the bear.

Rule #1 – If you are cooking or preparing food in clothes, before you go to sleep you need to wash your cloths, with detergent. Bears love the smell of prepared food, even salads, so if you don’t wash your cloths you could run the risk of having a bear maul your tent to chew on the flannel shirt with the hotdog smell on it, and don’t count on the animal’s courtesy to remove it from your body first.

Rule #2 – When you are shopping for a tent, make sure that the store you buy it from is not a mega-store (i.e. Super-K-Mart, Super-Wal*Mart, or Super-King Soopers) or a store that has any sort of food in the perimeter. The scent of the food can get into the fabric of the tent and when it is exposed to the odor for the extended shelf time, not even detergent will remove the smell. Warning: even pre-packaged energy bars can emit odors, so ask the store manager if there is any type of food on the premise before buying a tent.

Rule #3 – Some people may suggest that you place your food in a tree before you go to sleep, but the thing that those people forget is that 1) bears can climb trees and 2) sometimes bears can be so big that when they stand on their hind legs they will stand over forty-feet in the air. The better suggestion is to put the food in the car before turning in for the night. However, locking the car door won’t be enough considering that bear’s teeth are made out of the same material that is used on the blast panels of every major space vehicle since Apollo 8. After placing the food in the car it is necessary to tape all the doors and windows shut with at least two strips of duct tape.

Rule #4 – When choosing which sleeping bag to bring camping, always examine if the sleeping bag is a down sleeping bag or not. If you choose to bring a down sleeping bag, consider dipping the entire bag in wax so that the smell from the down feathers won’t arouse the bear. Simple fact; bears love to eat geese.

Rule #5 – A popular cartoon spokes animal suggests that putting our camp fires before going to sleep can reduce the chances of forest fires. This may be true, but putting out your fire before you go to sleep will only increases the chances of a bear attack. Weigh your options before pouring water on the fire; would your rather be mauled to death in your sleep or would your rather wake-up, alive, to a roaring fire?

These are just some of the tips that I can suggest to make your camping trip a safe and bear free trip. If you do encounter a bear on your trip, just remember to repent your sins and think about your funeral with a closed casket, because nobody has survived a face-to-face encounter with a bear. Please enjoy camping this summer.