This morning I was eating my breakfast, a pre-made cup of Strawberry Jell-O and a cup of coffee, and as I dug into the Jell-O cup the buoyant solid fell off the spoon, bounced off my lower thigh over the arm of the dinning table chair and landed on the generic beige carpet.
Jell-O cups are usually only good for about 4-5 actual bits of Jell-o, so I thought that I should pick it up and put it back in my mouth. I picked up the red chunk of gelatin and gave it a quick look over. And thank gawd I did. There were three pubes on my bit of Jell-o. I have no idea how the pubes could have come to rest underneath my kitchen table. If I were eating my breakfast while taking a shit I would understand the appearance of truant pubic hairs on the food. But the kitchen?
I take pride in knowing that my apartment isn’t home to orgy after orgy. One of the main reasons I don’t subscribe to the orgy style of life is because I don’t want to have pubic hair floating around everywhere. Have you ever thought about why shag carpet was popular in the seventies? It was because during all the orgies the pubes would be engulfed by the long threads and never seen again. Yet, here in 2007, I sat with a piece of furry Jell-o in my hand.
There are only a few explanations on how the pubes got on to my breakfast gelatin via the carpet under the kitchen table. 1) There could have been a moment in my life when I subconsciously felt it necessary to sleep walk around my apartment completely nude, and while in this nude-wakeless state I could have decided to start dancing in the kitchen, and that must have jostled a few pubic hairs loose.
The second explanation is that the creators of Jell-O were originally trying to design a product that would attract women to them. While there calculations were off, they accidentally created a product that attracted loose pubic hair, which happened to also be a delightful snack. With the original roots of Jell-O established the chunk of food that fell to the floor attracted all of the loose pubes in the entire apartment complex to it.
The third reason could just be that I haven’t vacuumed more than twice the entire two years I’ve been living in this apartment.
I personally think that is was the second of the three explanations thus proving that it wasn’t that my apartment was dirty, but rather it was the extraordinary origins of Jell-O that resulted in my loss of my third bite of Strawberry Jell-O. I will be forwarding this blog to Kraft Foods, Bill Cosby, and the Gelatin Manufactures of America, I hopes that they will remedy the problem and offer me sufficient compensation for my troubles with their product.